February is National Teen Dating
Violence Prevention Month
How many of you are familiar with the
Chris Brown assault upon his girlfriend Rhianna? Chris Brown and Rhianna are two
pop stars, who made national headlines when Chris beat Rhianna after they fought
over a text message from another girl. Regardless of how angry he got her, he
had no right to hit her; and he should have walked away when he got that angry.
How do you think he should have
responded to this situation? Since
this was not the first time he had beaten her, why do you think she stayed? What
do you think she could have done to prevent the abuse from her partner?
According to some teens they feel this is common in relationships, and
unfortunately, this has become there comfort zone. Statistics show that one in three
teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence,
one partner tries to maintain power and
control
over the other through abuse.
If you will look around your
classroom, church, auditorium, or any public setting and think of these
statistics, as you take a mental snapshot of your classmates. One in three girls
are sexually assaulted before the age 18 and one of six boys; and that is only
the ones who have reported it. 90% of sexually assaulted children never report
it. They don't report being raped by an abuser, a family member, their partner,
or a stranger because of shame, feeling dirty, wondering what they did to
deserve it, they don't want to break up the family, feel like no one will
believe them, or does not want to get the abuser in trouble. This also allows
the perpetrator to hurt someone else because they don't stop, seldom change w/o
counseling, and you can't fix them.
Regardless of age, Teen and adult
abusive partners will demonstrate some of the following classic abusive
behaviors:
At first they shower you with a lot
of affection, gifts, and love. Then they become
very
·
Controlling what you say; who you
talk to; where you go; and how you dress
·
excessively texts you
·
belittling you in front of friends
and family
·
Hitting you; leaving bruises and
cuts
·
verbally abusing
you
·
isolating you from friends and
family
·
emotional
outburst
·
uses force in arguments
·
always blames others for their
mistakes and faults
·
sexually assaults
you
·believe their partners are their possession; then they become obsessed
with them, which can lead to stalking:
·Stalking is the willful and repeated following, watching, and / or harassing of
another person. Most of the time, the purpose of stalking is to attempt to force
a relationship with someone who is unwilling or otherwise unavailable. Unlike
other crimes, which usually involve one act, stalking is a series of actions
that occur over a period of time. Although stalking is illegal, the actions that
contribute to stalking are legal, such as gathering information, calling someone
on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant messaging. Such actions by
themselves are not usually abusive, but can become abusive when frequently
repeated over time. http://law.findlaw.com/state-laws/stalking/louisiana/
Willful,
malicious, and repeated following or harassing with intent to place in fear of
death or bodily injury.
Punishment/Classification
Maximum
1 year jail and $1000 fine. If had dangerous weapon: fine $1,000 and/or jail 1
year. If stalking and protective order for same victim, or criminal proceeding
for stalking victim or injunction: jail 90 days minimum and 2 years maximum
and/or fined maximum $5,000. If victim under 18, maximum 1 year and/or $2000
fine. Note: anyone over 13 who stalks a child 12 and under and is found to have
placed child in reasonable fear of death or bodily injury of family member shall
be punished by 1 year minimum, 3 years maximum in jail and/or $1,500 minimum,
$5,000 maximum fine
Penalty
for Repeat Offense
If
2nd within 7 years: jail minimum 180 days and maximum 3 years and/or fined
maximum $5,000. If 3rd or subsequent within 7 years: jail minimum 2 years and
maximum 5 years and/or fined maximum
$5,000
Abusers will try to isolate you from
your family, do not let them. If you find yourself or someone you know in an
abusive relationship talk to a teacher, family member, pastor, counselor, or
call the FACSA Foundation. The important thing is to
tell.
So how do young men and young women get involved partner, when they
should know better and leave? Out of 6 billion people in the world, why do we fall in love with the
partners we choose? You can walk into a room of people and may find many
attractive, but there will be one who captivates your interest more than the
others because of pheromones. Your nose emits odorless chemicals called
pheromones that peeks your interest around a certain individual. Guys like to
impress girls with their status, wit, charm, physical appearance, humor, and
talents. While ladies like to impress the guys by twirling their fingers in
their hair, batting their eyes, acting sweet and charming, or pretending to be
interested in something they could care less about. Now guys, this does not mean you can put
your sweaty armpits in the girl’s faces to make them fall madly in love with;
this will probably get you hit a few times.
Another factor, besides being a
hormonal teenager, is the fact that, as we grow up, we watch our parents every
day. We see them laugh together, love each other, or we see them argue with one
another, cheat on one another, lie to each other, or be abusive to each other;
and this imprint becomes our comfort zone and the model of our future
relationships. We say I will never be like my mother or I will never be like my
dad, but subconsciously we choose our first loves that have tendencies like our
parents because this is our comfort zone. It isn't until we get older, with more
experience, for us to realize what kind of relationship is a healthy
relationship and find a person who loves us, as we are, with flaws and all.
Because when it comes down to it, you
will never change them, you cannot fix them, they will not get better, and abuse
only escalates. You cannot love enough for two; nor can you make it work by
yourself. You deserve to be loved and
accepted as you are; and you have to pass on others until you find a partner who
can do that. Not everyone will fit into the mold you fantasize as your soul
mate; and trying to make them into what you want will only lead to a lot of
heart of ache. If you are dating an abusive partner, regardless of how much you
love them, you have to ask yourself, is this someone I would want to have
children with. Would I want my children to be yelled at and belittled for every
little thing they do wrong? Your children deserve better than that; you deserve
better than that. If you have someone in
your life that is physically and verbally abusive to you, you need to tell your
family, a teacher, a counselor, the FACSA Foundation, or an adult who will
listen; and keep telling until someone listens. Abused friends and family will
demonstrate the following behaviors:
·
Their partner controls what they say;
who they talk to; where they go; and how they
dress
·
They may/will be manipulated with
money by their abuser
·
Their partner will make them fearful
by actions or looks
·
Hitting them; leaving bruises and
cuts
·
verbally abusing
them
·
be isolated from friends and
family
·
will take up for abuser; and may
mention their abuse but laugh it off as a
joke
·
they will try to please the abuser in
anyway, but nothing will ever please them
·
believe they are their partners
possession
·
Is always blamed for their partners
mistakes and faults
·
Has been sexually assaults by their
partner
Know
the facts about relationship abuse.
Give
assurance that you believe your friend’s story.
Listen
and let her share her feelings.
Do
not judge or give advice. Talk about available options and
resources.
Physical
safety is the first priority. If you believe a friend is in danger, voice that
concern. Help create a safety
plan.
Respect
your friend’s right to confidentiality.
Say
that you care and want to help.
Don’t
be upset if your friend doesn’t react the way you think she should. Let her talk
about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. People who are being
controlled by their partner’s behavior must consider many factors before coming
to a conclusion about how to access safety. Let her make her own decisions and
support her throughout the process.
Give
clear messages, including:
Your
actions do not cause the abuse.
You
are not to blame for your partner’s behavior.
You
cannot change her partner’s behavior.
Apologies
and promises are a form of manipulation.
You
are not alone.
Abuse
is not loss of control; it is a means of control.
It
is helpful to provide support to survivors. However, there are some forms of
advice that are not useful and even dangerous for them to hear:
Don’t
tell them what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
Don’t
tell them to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
Don’t
rescue them by trying to find quick solutions.
Don’t
suggest you try to talk to the abusive partner to straighten things
out.
Don’t
place yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
Don’t
tell them they should stay for the sake of the children.
Never
recommend couples counseling in situations of emotional or physical abuse. It
is dangerous for the victim and will not lead to a
resolution.
Encourage
separate counseling for the individuals, if they want
counseling.
Adapted
from EWA, Canada
How
to Help a Friend Who is a Sexual Assault Survivor
When
talking to a survivor of sexual assault, here are some key ideas to keep in
mind:
Validation:
Accept what you hear. Many survivors fear they will not be believed. They are
afraid that their experience will be minimized as “not important” or made into a
catastrophe. Let the survivor state her or his views, feelings, beliefs, and
opinions. Do not be judgmental.
Empowerment:
Allow survivors to direct their own course of action, no matter how much you
think your idea would help them. An assault takes away the victim’s power and
control over their self and situation; regaining that sense of control helps the
survivor in the recovery process.
Information:
Present survivors with resources and available options. Initially, the victim
may be so overwhelmed that it is impossible for them to hear everything. Be
patient and willing to repeat yourself. Respect the person’s decision as to what
to do.
Privacy:
Assure survivors that you will keep the matter private. Explain that you may
need to consult with resources to understand how to help her. If total anonymity
is necessary, you and/or the survivor may get information and support without
revealing your names.
Listen:
Let survivors disclose as much about the assault as they are comfortable with.
Do not press for details, as this can feel intrusive and
controlling.
In
responding to the survivor use the same words she or he does in describing the
event. If the survivor uses the word “rape,” then use it in reflective
listening. If the survivor uses the expression “something bad happened,” stay
with that. Be empathetic, non-judgmental, and help the survivor feel safe. Avoid
labeling the experience for them. Remember, survivors may feel guilty and
responsible. You can reassure them that no one deserves to be assaulted and it
was not their fault. Be particularly sensitive if a survivor has special needs
based on ethnicity, gender, religion, sexual orientation, and/or
disability.
Even though it should never occur,
the fact is dating violence and abuse happens every day, regardless of education
or the lack thereof, rich or poor, race, or religion. People do not leave
because they are afraid to; they are mentally and physically beaten down; or
feel they have nowhere to turn.
·
If you have been abused by your
partner, or you know someone who has you can call for
resources:
·
the FACSA Foundation (318) 539-2571; or email
us at facsasavethechildren@hotmail.com
·
the National Dating Abuse Hotline 1
(866) 331-9474
·
loveisrespect.org is a new 24 hour
resource that utilizes telephone and web-based interactive technology to reach
teens and young adults experiencing dating abuse. The Helpline numbers are:
(866) 331-9474 and TTY (866) 331-8453. The peer to peer online individual chat
function is available from 4 p.m. to midnight and can be accessed from the
website.
·
Local Springhill Police (318)
539-2511
·
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1(800) 799-7233
If you plan on leaving, make a safe
exit:
Know the phone number of a safe house
or a local women’s battered shelter
Tell someone you trust and develop a
plan; use code words if you are in trouble. A visual sign could be if the light
is on it is safe; if the light is off you are in
trouble
Go to a doctor if you are injured and
report the incident
Do not go back to the abuser; your
life could be at risk and no love is worth that.
File a report and let the charges
stick; regardless of the partner’s threats
Reassure children of a safe place and
their job is not to protect you.
Keep the car fueled, money hidden,
cell charged, and evacuation plan ready
Pack a bag and hide it if necessary,
with important documents, like social security numbers, birth certificates,
medical information, marriage license, extra car keys, car title, banking
information, important phone numbers, shoes, clothes, and toiletry items; maybe
the kids favorite toy, to calm them.
Know abusers schedule and a safe time
to leave
Erase you internet search history and
be careful who you reach out to
If you call for help, immediately
dial another number right after that, so the abuser will not know who you called
last.
If you
leave:
Change your
routine
keep your doors
locked
keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. (6
months max; can get a $500 fine or
imprisonment)
Install security systems in your new
place
Get a P O
Box
Get caller
id
Avoid going to where the abuser is,
when possible. If necessary, carry protectors with you like law
enforcement.
You don’t deserve to be treated this
way; you do deserve to be valued as a
person, listened to without being yelled at, criticized, or judged; and you
deserve to be loved. Despite what you think that person is bringing to your
life, they are actually taking more than they offer. You can’t afford to trade
yourself, your self -esteem, or possibly, your life for what you have them? You have to learn to value yourself as a
person, respect yourself despite your mistakes; and know today is a new day to
start fresh. Learn to protect yourself and make better choices for your life;
because every choice you make, regardless of how small, will affect the rest of
your life. Every action becomes a behavior; and a behavior becomes who you are.
There will be times in your life where you will have to take a good hard look at
your life; and change what you don't like about
it.
I will close with a quote from Jim
Rohn, “If you don’t make a plan for your life, chances are, you will fall into
someone else’s; and guess what they have planned for you; not
much!”
Connie Lee/FACSA
Foundation/Founder/President
Facsasavethechildren.com
facsasavethechildren@hotmail.com
http://facsafoundationvirtualexpo.ning.com/
The Dating Bill of Rights according to the ACADV
http://www.acadv.org/dating.html
The Dating Bill of
Rights
I
Have The Right To:
·
Ask for a date
·
Refuse a date
·
Suggest Activities
·
Refuse any activities,
Even if
my date is
Excited
about them
·
Have my own feelings
And be
able to express
Them
·
Say, “I think my friend
Is wrong
and their
Actions
are inappropriate.
·
Tell Someone Not To
Interrupt Me
·
Have my limits and
Values
respected
·
Tell my partner when
I need
affection
·
Refuse affection
·
Be heard
·
Refuse to lend money
·
Refuse sex anytime,
For any
reason
·
Have friends and
Space
aside from
My partner
I Have
The Responsibility Too
·
Determine my limits and
Values
·
Respect the limits of
others
·
Communicate clearly and
Honestly
·
Not violate limits of
others
·
Ask for help when I need
it
·
Be considerate
·
Check my actions and
decisions
To
determine whether they are
Good or
bad for me
·
Set High Goals For
Myself
